Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
