New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
