o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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