frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
