he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
