You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
