K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
