I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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