fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
