what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
