Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I enjoy the company of your penis
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