I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
