Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Randomize
