The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
