Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
this is an emotional support booty call
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
