If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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