Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
