Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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