Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
