nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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