Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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