my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
