Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
