i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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