I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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