I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize