I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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