The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
