I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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