I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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