When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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