At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
