mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
