my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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