Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
