you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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