Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
