I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
