She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
