I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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