Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize