Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
