i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want her autograph on my taint
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
