You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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