if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
