The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
