If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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