she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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