Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
