I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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