The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This baby is an asshole
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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