I think I died a long time ago.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I need a beard to bite.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
