WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
