put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
