forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
