I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Randomize
